As this year goes by, I ask myself if we are anywhere different or better. It’s hard to remember but last year, we had just finished an unsuccessful IVF as well. We were stuck, with a little more hope, that we had found a protocol that might work for us, but with nowhere to go with it. We didn’t know what to do, except we knew we had to keep going.
This year has been tough because within just 12 months, it has brought even more babies, but nothing for us. For us, it brought two more rounds of IVF, the potential for donor IVF and then a host of issues with transfer.
I cannot pretend not to be sad at how this year has gone. How impossible it has been, how injurious the multiple rounds have been, how much it has taken out of us. How it has flown by with so little result. We can only hope and pray that if we keep fighting, this road will get easier and it will end with that healthy pregnancy that we so desperately want. It is frustrating that we are still trying to move ahead.
It is frustrating that the hurdles, issues and difficulties have become even higher, in a way, as time passes. We have to hold on to hope and each other.
We have to hold on to the belief that one day, we will have you. One day you will take form, take root and grow. In days like today, I don’t know how that will happen. I don’t even know what is happening to me. I worry, about the changes this will wreck in my body, I worry about the consequences. I worry that you are out of sight, so far away. I worry that despite trying everything to get to you, it may be out of reach.
I love you so much. With every fiber and purpose of my being. I don’t know how to help you, or how to help myself. I just pray that God will allow this, in a little space of the world, for this to happen.
I am back to not knowing what to do with myself, not knowing how to wait, how to pass the time. Not knowing how to worry. Trying to teach myself patience and to comfort myself when it just seems like I never know what to do and I don’t know where to focus, as the expectations and options are just becoming more difficult, more expensive and more unreachable.
I don’t know how to live like this.
When the invasions just get more complex, more difficult, more invasive.
