Many times a day, I don’t know what is happening anymore. I hear sounds in my ear, my heart rate spikes up all the time, let alone if I exercise. And at least once a day I just think, this is crazy, life is crazy. I don’t feel like doing anything and I feel out of control.
But I’m not. I have to keep telling myself that. Nothing is out of control. Yes, it has been a very crazy and confusing year. A lot of things have happened and it has spun our lives further than I thought it would go, in a direction I never dreamed of. It was definitely not anything I ever dreamed of. I feel like after all of this, you are supposed to know what to do, to be able to do something different or really amazing, or it is supposed to give you insights. I don’t really think I have those, in a way I think I am moving slower than I used to, that I’m confused with life right now and where it is.
It is all absolutely happening, in real time, except it feels slowed down, each day feels long and in a way, the same, with not that much memory sometimes of what is happening and it seems like everyone else is rushing around, full of busyness, while you’ve slowed way down. And now that you’re fine, it seems like time to start doing things again, or start to rebuild the life and pieces but you feel like you don’t know what that is anymore.
It’s like you’ve taken this break and what do you do now? It is such a wake-up call but there doesn’t seem to be anything that needs to be done at home, so how do you, in a way, help yourself? What does taking care of your health mean, when you still feel so broken?
I know that I should feel so very grateful and I do. I do feel thankful, thankful to doctors and help and to be whole and to have a good outcome. At the same time I also feel shocked at this new chest, the feeling of gummy breasts. I feel shocked that I can’t make a snow angel, or lift my arms very high, or having this constant pulling, tight feeling. I feel shocked that this has happened to me, not to anyone else, but really to me. I start when anyone says anything about cancer, or when I catch a glimpse of people I haven’t seen for a long time and yet that is the only topic that doesn’t startle me in other ways. When people talk about markets or science or schools here, it just seems to be a blur, I think I feel so self-conscious about who I am, what I am and what they are talking about that it all seems a blur. It was never an issue before, but it is really tough now having parents here all the time, or helpers, or parents’ guests, I guess I feel self-conscious about sitting there, having them ooh and ah at me, or comment at me, or talk around me, it just feels like, I don’t know, part of me is worried that I’m depressed and don’t feel like socialising, part of me understands that maybe at this time, I just want a bit more privacy. I also feel like I am not in charge, or not managing things and it makes me feel insecure.
I feel like I’m darting around, trying to spend time with people, because I don’t feel very interested in anything right now. I think a lot of friends are busy taking care of kids and I’d like to do that too. Sometimes being around them makes me feel insecure that I wouldn’t be able to do that, or that I wouldn’t know what to do (which is probably true since we aren’t there). I guess in the way that fertility is tied to breast cancer, it does make me feel very down about what has happened. I don’t know what other topics I care much about, and things that I used to like to do, like baking, it just doesn’t have any appeal right now. I can’t fathom writing on the blog, things I used to do don’t really make sense or seem very enjoyable. Even work doesn’t seem appealing at all, although I think I miss the people and the social interaction, but I just feel sort of dull and numb toward everything, even travel or planning and that really scares me. If you want to travel, I shouldn’t go back to work now, right, but I just don’t know what I should do, or what makes sense, none of it seems to.
I know I should not feel like that, that I can do all of that, and also that if you don’t feel like doing some things that’s ok. Not everything will be the same. But I don’t feel like doing anything and I’m really struggling with this. I don’t think I am fearful, I think before I was fearful and that has faded, I’m not that anxious, which I also felt before, maybe sometimes I feel a bit anxious but not too much. I don’t know what this is, just don’t feel like doing anything, but things need to be done. I guess I haven’t for so long, I haven’t made those independent decisions and that feels like part of the strangeness. I also do feel really down sometimes, I feel like I don’t know how this came about to be and what if I do the exact same things and nothing has changed, that it would happen again. I know all these things make sense and are normal and it takes time to slowly get over it and have them fade, I guess I thought when I was declared all-clear, it would just disappear. Or that somehow having thought of these things for six months, they would all resolve, but it hasn’t been like that.
I’m still skittish about time, about people’s reactions and telling new people, about feeling really like people can’t relate, like my peer group somehow are all growing and developing and I feel aside from this and left behind in a way? I know the thing is to start moving myself, but to what and where? I guess nothing is supposed to happen but what you create. It’s like people are in motion, in 3D and you’ve just been in 2D. And I will do things, I tell myself, I will, it will happen, it’s just that the last few months have been a bit of a bubble, but it will all slowly normalize. It’s just very raw from not quite being in the past, but it will, a year from now, this will be further behind and I will feel better about everything. You just have to slowly wait out that time, do the next thing and the next thing, but what is that.
