The week after we tested negative from the FET, coincidentally, was one I spent working at home. Which was a blessing because without commuting and the office atmosphere, I found the days were a lot healthier and happier. I was more productive in getting work done and had time to go for a run every other day.
The peace was only disrupted by occasional unhelpful commentary. I have a friend who is herself going through an FET, for a second IVF child. After her transfer, she emailed me — Just checking, did u get any false symptoms during your 2WW?
Now, why on God's green earth, would you send such messages to someone barely a week out of a negative FET? Why would you imagine they could be in a position to deal with it right now? I have no idea.
I messaged back, well I guess they were all false symptoms. Curt, no? Undeterred, she continued, ok, just so that I know not to pay attention to those. And later, Nurse B. advised me against early testing because she said the Pregnyl shots stay in our system for a few days (The only issue is, I hadn't taken any Pregnyl shots) and many patients get false positives. This probably explains why I had a couple of faint lines the last time which then faded to an almost full negative by the day before the beta test.
I have another friend who has new-born IVF twins and she told me she knows how emotional I feel. I wanted to scream. No, Miss one-IUI-and-one-successful-IVF where they put in two 3-day embryos and they became twins, you don't know how I feel. You don't know how I feel unless you put in two 3-day embryos that came up with nothing. You don't know how I feel till you've done seven rounds of meds and are left with nothing. You don't know how I feel till another three fruitless years spent chasing your tail, if this IVF of yours had not been successful.
A third friend whom I met this week, surprised me by coming pregnant. Of course she was. Two years into two miscarriages, she'd quit work and every time that happens, I feel lonely and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. A year later, she returned to working. We were trying together. Except we weren't. She had already been pregnant twice.
If anyone understood what it meant to be told to wait, to feel like the pendulum keeps swinging back, she did. And yet, seeing her happy and rubbing her belly made me feel like crap. It made me feel extra guilty, to feel envious or grudging toward someone who had been through so much.
And I always in fact, feel a shade guilty when thinking these things because, really, how do you know what anyone has been through? How do you know that the young girl who succeeded on her first IVF round, didn't work 3 jobs for 80 hours a week saving money for the treatment? How do you know someone who doesn't have this problem, or has >50% motility and morphology didn't have a father who abandoned the family and a mother who fell into depression? Is never seeing a BFP better than a traumatic story of multiple miscarriage, from that girl blogger who scooped pieces of her baby out of the toilet and kept it in a Tupperware in the fridge for postpartum genetic karotyping?
How can you feel resentment toward an infertility mother whose children are the center of her universe and believes them her gift from God? She doesn't post their pictures on Facebook every day because she's smug, even though it feels that way. She does it because she's grateful and she too, can't understand.
Last night, before I slept, I was plagued by thoughts and doubts. All reasonable ones, I think. Would we bemoan the loss of our own genes, even as we opened our hearts to an adopted child? Even with donor eggs, would I be able to carry a pregnancy and how long might it take for that to work? And most damagingly, why didn't our FET work, when other people who have granulated and vacuole eggs, can succeed? When other people who have Stage 4 endometriosis can have twins. When women nearing 40 can have a day 5 blastocyte. Why did the most perfect embryos I've produced, not work? You know, these questions, they have no answers.
You remind yourself not to compare, but actually other people are just benchmarks, landmarks where you thought you might be. Sure, I don't like feeling left behind, or desperate, but I know that will fade tomorrow. What won't fade is that even if I don't compare and I look at my own history and timeline, I'm tired of where I am. I want to be done.
When I finally slept, I dreamt that my colleague, with three young children, and an unmarried older counterpart, were both pregnant. And I was the go-between in their announcements. I know, Freudian.
What do you do when all you want is for it to be over? When you are just tired of being in this state, sick of how unfulfilling and wasteful it feels. When you just want to move on, when anything else you do to look forward or to make a change, feels like just that, deliberate effort in passing time or finding something else to do. When changing your thoughts, no longer feels like it will change your circumstances.
I woke up this morning to this lovely verse from the blog [In Due Time] "This is my command — be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9). The command to 'be strong and courageous' is used several times through the Bible. After the death of Moses at the end of Deuteronomy, Joshua 1 starts with the Lord speaking this command to Joshua. Joshua became Israel's leader and was in charge of leading more than two million people into a strange, new land and was given the task of defeating the armies. He had quite the challenge to face.
Although our battles are different, there are many days where you feel afraid and weary, not knowing how it will be possible to get through it. Whatever you are facing today, put your confidence in God. Ask Him for strength, courage and energy to face first the day ahead and then whatever comes after. Trust that He is with you, no matter what is going on.
