“Comparison is the biggest thief of joy”.
As you know, I’ve been reading a lot of stories recently. I’ve been reading other people’s journeys, this time not the ones that chronicle a medical process but those that deal with a more far-reaching network of choices. Women who choose to live child-free, or women who are emerging from a loss. After all, infertility is psychologically, so much more than clomid craziness, recurrent miscarriage or twins.
I’ve been reading women who have known a dark place, even if that place isn’t filled with anger anymore, but frustration at not knowing and not being able to control the future. Women who share the sense of intensity I feel sometimes. As I’ve mentioned before, it calms me, to walk in the shadow of these 30-something year olds, bound by this restless web of conception, hope and technology.
I’m sharing them here, in case they might help you too. You might learn from their involved IVF journeys and even more, from how they have coped and managed their internal process in, as one woman put it, getting back to life, in a child-obsessed world. The sheer strength of their human spirit in comparison, makes me humbled, instead of jealous.
One such blog is [Ever Upward] by Justine Brooks Froelker. In February 2011, her husband and she began their journey in the world of IVF. "Gestational surrogacy was the safest way for us to have our children since I had two back surgeries in high school (including a year of my life spent in a body cast). IVF and 3 babies never to be born later, Ever Upward is conceived. After much mourning, confusion, anger and sadness, I got back up and started doing the work. The work to redefine; my life, myself, everything.
A big part of this journey has been telling my story, and ultimately educating people on how difficult, expensive and painful IVF can be and that sometimes you just don’t get the joy of motherhood from it. And telling my story to model, because we need to talk about it! And that yes, sometimes it is okay to say no more. And even more, it is okay to say adoption isn’t for you. And that after the work, you can take the step forward into a fulfilled childfree life and stop being stuck in the childless life, even in this, our child obsessed world. Ever Upward is not the typical infertility blog filled with follicle counts, Clomid crazy train side effects and recounts of painful procedures. It is filled with struggle, hope and recovery, it is a blog about life. Ever Upward is my story, and yet every woman’s story; mother or not, because behind the wall of silence, shame, the smile, and the ‘I can do everything’ attitude lies millions of women suffering in silence with the pain of infertility. And yet our connection to our stories, is the only way back to the truth of who we are, to own ourselves again.
This blog is part of my healing process. However, I also hope to help others, even if it is just by knowing you are not alone in the journey of life. This blog is not meant to be a how-to or even a sure-fire answer to others on what steps they need to take to change their own lives. Rather, this is simply an explanation of how I continue the work. Take what applies to you, or what you think you’d like to try, and leave the rest. We all have to simply find the strategies that work for us, because only then will we choose the change and do the work to continue it. Ever Upward is about finding your path, accepting your story and life."
The second and third blogs were linked from Justine, the beautifully named [Everthing Reminds Me Of You] and [Hope Anchors The Soul], which both deal with recurrent loss, longing and rising to the challenge of moving on, reconnecting and enjoying life, in other words, the real deal of letting go…
