Hanging in there
I try to be strong, mostly because I haven't a choice. But sometimes it hurts so much, I can't distinguish the physical pain from my heart just hurting. It used to be my waking thought and the last thought before I went to sleep because I hoped I would dream about us having a child. It scared me that I never did because I was frightened it meant something to not be premonitory.
It hurts so much that God is taking away my year, my hair, my health, my breast, my ability to have children, or even to adopt, and how much time or the life I, or we, have left. I just grieve. I'm trying to be positive, to be strong, to look forward, but to be honest, sometimes there stretches in front of me an abyss of pain, hurt, and confusion.
I know what it feels like to fall through that floor of sadness, just feeling sadness and pain at the revolving door of other people's pregnancies and worst, normalcy. Normal. Where cancer doesn't happen at 33. Where a life filled with love and hope doesn't careen into some cosmic short-end-of-the-stick that is traumatic and tragic.
Where people just live and walk down the street or are in the trivial pursuit of something that's not a personal and objective tragedy.
How can one person go through so much, how can all that happen to just one person, how much does a single heart and life have to go through? It just doesn't seem real.
I guess anytime that you feel, or are in fact, out-of-control young, you're going to have a complex relationship with God. I spent years waiting around, trying, praying, and pushing for a child. This is what I got. More time waiting, waiting to get better. Sometimes I ask God why I'm spending my thirties waiting. Why do I have to wait to get better, whether it's normal at this age to be waiting on health? And whether waiting to live, is all I'm going to be doing. Whether I'm just waiting to live in my thirties.
And that is a horrible thought. I don't even want to know the answer. It just seems so brutish and lousy and pointless, I don't even want to know if it gets worse.
