Cancer and Trauma
How am I going to get past this?
What do I fear?
I fear dying in surgery
I fear AC chemo
I fear the pain from drains
I fear having chronic pain from lymphoedema
I fear having heart issues from AC chemo or radiation, or Tamoxifen
I fear and am sad about having hot flashes and going straight to menopause now
I fear a recurrence
I fear a near-term recurrence
I fear having to live and deal with this for my whole life
I fear having to go to hospital my whole life
I fear not having certainty to learn new skills or pursue any purpose
I fear not having time to have a family
I fear leaving a young child
I fear scarring a child or not having the energy to raise a child
I fear leaving Zhan
I fear Zhan going on without me and remarrying and being happier or equally happy without me
I fear a secondary cancer
I fear a secondary cancer from treatment
I fear this is how I will die
I feel so vulnerable.
Cancer is so silent, it's not even something you recognize is wrong, like a weak heart or diabetes. When you have a healthy young person, be told they have something life-threatening, how do you trust anything? How do you care about anything? A month ago, I didn't know my life needed to be prolonged. If it's not because of IVF hormones, then how do you account for drawing just a short stick. That this was going to happen anyway. That there is something so wrong and vulnerable about me, without me even knowing. I fear that if something so bad can happen, other bad things can happen to me. At such a young age, there is so much time for recurrence or secondary cancers to happen. Even if I survived many years, logically, I would still be so young.
