Cancer and Fear
I'm two months into the first three months of chemo. The next steps, whether another three more months, whether surgery or radiation after if needed, are even tougher and riskier. I'm tired. And I'm so fearful. It's like the more I know, the more I wonder what else can go wrong. I feel like luck, God, health has already deserted me before (or in some combination, planned or has a reason for this to happen now and at this age), so I don't know why I would believe the odds are in my favour. And it makes it hard to sleep, I'm having trouble going to sleep, I have trouble waking at 4.30am and not being able to go back to sleep.
It's like I'm getting scared at everything, another three months of chemo, surgery risks, these are legitimate fears but still nothing can be done about them. I'm scared of bad news things in the newspaper. I'm scared of recurrent bad things or things getting worse. I'm scared that things just kept getting worse for us over the last few years and I think my confidence or any expectation is so shaken.
The uncertainty makes me feel disconnected from being able to do regular life things or be excited about the news or things that happen. It just feels like this void where you are just waiting, and rather painfully.
I just want to be that confident person I was, not someone fighting ridiculous uncertainties and mountains of risks. All the stories, particularly of young cancer, scare me. Not long ago, I used to sleep till 7.30am and wake up thinking, gosh I'll be late for work. Suddenly all that is gone and that kind of deep and dreamless sleep just seems totally luxurious and frustratingly normal, but beyond me.
I hope that in time, the confidence, at least to deal with things, to make decisions, will come back. I really hope that I can embrace the new normal, even if now I still feel like I grieve things and not knowing the cause for cancer, makes me fear not even knowing what to avoid.
Career and ambition was important to me, at this point, I ask myself, realistically, is that important or can you really do the kind of work like before, what sort can you handle. What dreams are you allowed to have, seriously?
You want to live well, but I have no idea what that means and how long that would be for, or how to handle it if that time is short, or the recurring fear of recurrence. I wake up, stressed and scared, and I hope in time, you will develop more calm and I wonder if I should get some outside help, to deal with the fear, so that it would not grow.
I know none of these thoughts are new, nor things that can be answered. I know we have to cherish what we have and find happiness in it and I want that peace of mind. I want to learn how to get there. I do feel like this is so early, I know it just happens when it happens, but it's not even like I was tired of it all, or already did so much. I do feel, relegated and shortchanged of time to grow, or time to live and spend slowly.
I want to say it doesn't matter, it's not important, but if that is true, what was the whole of my life before that about?
My life has always been to some degree about competition, or achievement, from school to work, I think it prepared me very badly for this. I want to be all these things, like strong and positive and happy, I want to take time, or accept time for whatever it is and for however long or short you have it for, to positively max out living, to go out in a blaze of glory. I guess the paradoxical thing about treatment is that it is so punishing and prolonged that you can't get there mentally because your strength just isn't there when physically you are taking such a beating. It's all very well to say you want to live well, but because the treatment is cumulative, you feel more like you're dying than living each day.
You're hanging in there to get there and it's very hard to feel like this ongoing life, is worth its ongoing problem. When you get pockets of less or lighter treatment, I can see the effect that less pain and more strength has on my positivity, my spirit, my will to keep fighting and keep smiling.
And in those nights, I think, I'm going to do this, I'm going to beat this, I'm going to be a spokesperson and fight to eke out that meaningful life, I'm going to learn a new skill starting today, going to have a great story and I'm going to succeed beyond my wildest dreams.
Then you read something like 90% of breast cancer survivors live past 5 years. Of those where the cancer has spread, 25% live 5 years. And the fear is just paralysing. If it comes back, does that mean it is not curable and are there options for treatment? I don't want to live my life in an accelerated way but what choice do I have? Does this mean that I will not outlive my curtain blinds, or TV or new clothes? Other than being completely uninsurable, can you ever move or even get a loan for a home? Does this mean we should not have a child because I don't know if I would be around to watch them grow up, is it not fair to them?
What am I doing this for, if this is going to be an ongoing problem? I'm working right now, so that it doesn't become an ongoing problem, but how long would you even have it for? How do you even have reasonable expectation that if you live a monkly life of no sugar, no dairy, no carbs, no stress and constant medication, that any of it would help or work?
I understand that everyone has their mountains. But all around you, all you see is a cancer-free world, that you are no longer part of. A world of people and their parents too, far older than you, suddenly far healthier than you, planning their next carefree holiday. Everyone going on holiday. People who aren't in this helpless situation. Here you are, but you will never be able to take a holiday from your new normal reality.
